Feelings

So, I wasn't really going to say anything.  I even talked to my mom today and didn't say anything because I don't want to make much of a deal over nothing.  But, today was an emotional day for me, so I wanted to jot it all down.

Eric and I decided in January to start trying again for baby #5.  I really wasn't sure I was ready yet, but I decided to go with it.  I figure what would mean to happen would happen.  One night I had a long talk with him that I really didn't think I was ready.  Come to find out the next morning I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  It took me a bit to understand what I was feeling.  I felt guilty for telling Eric the night before I didn't want a baby yet.  I had mixed emotions.  The next few days I got a chance to get used to it and started getting excited.  Until I started bleeding.  So, another miscarriage.  That makes three total.  But, this wasn't too bad.  But I was VERY emotional with this one.  Lots of feelings that I couldn't explain.  Guilt.  Sadness.  Frustration.  And I was still having a hard time deciding what I wanted.  Did I want another baby?  Do I want to be pregnant again?  Even after that loss, I still wasn't sure.

The last few days I have had a lot on my mind.  I signed up to run a Life Runners race.  It is a race for pro-life.  The motto is Remember the Unborn.  I went for a run the other night and thought about all the unborn babies out there, whether from miscarriage or abortion.   My mind kept drifting to Cindy also.  The anniversary of her death was coming up and for some reason, babies and Cindy kept coming to my mind all weekend.  Today I was driving and was overcome with so much emotion that I DO want another baby.  I know that Cindy always wanted more kids and she wasn't able to.  I feel like this is my chance to bring another baby into this world because I am ABLE and WILLING.  Not many mothers out there are both.  I feel like maybe I needed a sense of loss on my part, and to remember the loss of Cindy to realize what a miracle life is and know that I don't feel done.  I am so happy that I have come to this decision and it just feels right.

On a side note, I was so happy today that I almost brought home a puppy.  WHAT???  I know!!!  I better stay away from puppy mills at this point!